For months, I’ve been hard on myself thinking that everything was my fault. That it wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t done what I’ve done. And I have been thinking the what-if’s and the could have been’s, which were definitely not a good idea. Because in reality, all we had was a past. And nothing – not even thinking of the what-if’s – could ever bring it back.
I decided to forgive myself.
Instead of grieving for what we’ve lost, I would rather thank you for the happy moments. I just would like to let you know that my feelings were real, and too bad we didn’t have a shot at this game.
Despite all the confusion and mind-boggling moments you’ve caused, I still want to thank you for trying to get to know me. For those days that you invited me over and cooked for me. For taking me to dinner and lunch and movies. For telling me my perfume smells great (which instantly made it my favorite). For paying for our first dinner. For sharing those conspiracy theories that though I am not a bit interested, I still listen to because you were that engrossed in what you’re saying. For singing and playing the guitar over the phone or in person. For making me like Michael Buble. For having your feet scrubbed because I am having mine. For making me love the stars even more, because they know our secrets. And for making me feel alive. Even before I had feelings for you, you were my friend. Thank you for being one, my confidante, and my run-to person for the months that we’ve been extra close.
I am no longer bitter of the past or the could have been’s. I have accepted that I made a decision and you also contributed why I made that decision. I am glad to be part of your life. Though, there was no closure, I finally found it within myself. I no longer longed for the day I can talk to you and talk about what really happened. What is important is it happened. Thank you for making it happen. And for making me feel what I felt.
I hope I can see you around. Smile at you. And talk about things like we used to, like old friends do.
It was hard forgiving others and forgetting what they’ve done to you. But I guess, the hardest kind of forgiveness is the one you should give to yourself. You have to forgive yourself for making wrong decisions, because at that point you thought it was the best for you. In fact, you didn’t know at that time that it is going to be a wrong decision, so pat yourself on the back for risking. You also have to forgive yourself for letting people go because they no longer serve you good. You have to forgive yourself for wanting happiness despite hurting someone else. And you have to forgive yourself for hurting other people.
Above all, forgive yourself because the fact of not forgiving yourself hurts. It will keep you up at night, with a heavy heart and a gaping hole in your chest. So please, forgive yourself for not being perfect. Because it is through your imperfections that you will learn and you will be loved.
PS: My travel blog articles are entered late — waaaaay late, that it will pass as a throwback article.
May 31, 2014.
Before summer officially ended, we had one last hirit sa tag-init. I was so desperate to go out of town at that time, that I volunteered myself to organize the whole out-of-town get together. I took care of the place, the contact person and the food, which is a first time. I rarely participate in the planning activity, I usually shell out my contribution then that’s it. But this is not like the other out-of-town trips. I have to plan it for it to push through.
We were aiming for somewhere cheap and just hours away from the metro but would still give an amazing experience. We were choosing between Burot Beach in Batangas and Nagsasa in Zambales. We went for the latter. Imagine for only P1500.00 we were able to have a great time in Zambales and we got to visit 3 islands!
Continue reading “Travel Diary: Nagsasa Cove”
It is indescribable what I feel right now after purchasing these books. There is a certain kind of high I get from seeing a lot of books and knowing that I can read and finish them in time.
I was waiting for Lang Leav’s Lullabies to be released in the Philippines. So when it was released on Sept 17, I rushed to the nearest National Bookstore to get a copy. Turns out they have a cut-off price promo happening until Sept 21. I was in a hurry at that time so I left and promised to come back on the coming weekend. And so I did. I wasn’t able to stop myself from getting books in the shelves (but I was able to stop myself from purchasing everything. I just have to pick the best ones). I am thinking about going back tomorrow since it is their last day. Let’s see.
Taken during my 22nd birthday at Edsa Shangrila Hotel, Heat Restaurant.
Top and Skirt: Forever 21
Shoes: Charles and Keith
I would like to think
that our feelings are lighter than water.
No matter how much we try
to throw or bury it hundred feet down,
it will resurface eventually.
It is persistent, it will survive.
Please don’t let it drown.
It was one fine Sunday in Pampanga, when my cousins and I went Alviera to try their Giant Swing and Zipline. It was more or less 45-minute drive from Sta. Ana, Pampanga, where my cousins reside. I haven’t heard of Sandbox before nor seen it on TV, but they said it was featured in KrisTV. I don’t have any expectations of the place. So when we got there…
Continue reading “Alviera’s The Giant Swing Challenge”
Break ups are hard. Same as letting go and moving forward. But you’re here. See how far you’ve come since the last time you said “I can’t do this anymore!” It was hard. And it is supposed to be. So you’re doing it just right. You will see him happy on the pictures with his new girlfriend, and it will hurt. And that is perfectly fine. He will live his life without you and he will forget that you were the person he loved most among other people. People move on, lives go on, things change and feelings fade.
Continue reading “Post Break-up Reminders”
What is love?
All across the globe, we get different answers and variations and their own versions of love. But one thing is for sure, whatever and however they define it, it is based on their own experiences.
So if you will ask me, what is love…
After years of being in love and in like with different people, I finally found my own definition of love. Love, for me, is being happy for someone’s achievements and happiness even if it means it doesn’t include you.
And with that, I think that I love you.
Shenzhen is pronounced as “Sham-dzen”
PS. This is a long overdue post. And was dated back to March 2013.
Disclaimer: LONG POST AHEAD
We were fetched from the hotel around 8am, after we grabbed the tasteless food from Café de Coral.
Then we dropped off at MTR Ho Hum Station and were given instructions to take the East Rail Train and to dismount at the last station and there we will meet our China tour guide. The train station in Hong Kong is really organized. They have a TV screen that shows your train schedule and if you miss your train, the next schedule is also posted.
Continue reading “Crossing the border: Hong Kong – Shenzhen, China”
One fact about me is that I am entirely dependent on salons when it comes to getting my nails clean and beautiful. So, once a month or two, I make it a habit to go to a nearby salon to have my nails done. By now, I should have one favorite salon to go to, but I don’t have one. Because one salon can be affordable but the quality is not good. Then the other has a great service, but it is too painful for the pocket. So it just depends whether I am tight on budget or not.
Good thing, I discovered a newly-built salon in SM Fairview, where quality meets affordability.
Continue reading “The Nail Bar: Pampered Saturday”
I’ve never been fond of Filipino movies. Maybe due to its predictable storyline and unconvincing acting of the artistas nowadays. But they say indie movies are different, for they tackle the real issues of the society — issues that most of the mainstream movies don’t focus on. This year, Cinemalaya falls on my birthday week. I decided to watch, for a change. And I’m glad I did. This year’s lineup is promising (as if I know what the previous years’ line ups were). I wanted to see Kasal and #Y initially. But when we went to CCP, it was already sold out. We were left with Diablo and Janitor. We went for the latter.
Continue reading “First time: Cinemalaya 2014”