For months, I’ve been hard on myself thinking that everything was my fault. That it wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t done what I’ve done. And I have been thinking the what-if’s and the could have been’s, which were definitely not a good idea. Because in reality, all we had was a past. And nothing – not even thinking of the what-if’s – could ever bring it back.
I decided to forgive myself.
Instead of grieving for what we’ve lost, I would rather thank you for the happy moments. I just would like to let you know that my feelings were real, and too bad we didn’t have a shot at this game.
Despite all the confusion and mind-boggling moments you’ve caused, I still want to thank you for trying to get to know me. For those days that you invited me over and cooked for me. For taking me to dinner and lunch and movies. For telling me my perfume smells great (which instantly made it my favorite). For paying for our first dinner. For sharing those conspiracy theories that though I am not a bit interested, I still listen to because you were that engrossed in what you’re saying. For singing and playing the guitar over the phone or in person. For making me like Michael Buble. For having your feet scrubbed because I am having mine. For making me love the stars even more, because they know our secrets. And for making me feel alive. Even before I had feelings for you, you were my friend. Thank you for being one, my confidante, and my run-to person for the months that we’ve been extra close.
I am no longer bitter of the past or the could have been’s. I have accepted that I made a decision and you also contributed why I made that decision. I am glad to be part of your life. Though, there was no closure, I finally found it within myself. I no longer longed for the day I can talk to you and talk about what really happened. What is important is it happened. Thank you for making it happen. And for making me feel what I felt.
I hope I can see you around. Smile at you. And talk about things like we used to, like old friends do.